apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
