I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
BRING THE BAGELS
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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