my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
