Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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