I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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