Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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