If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the condom got lost in my hair
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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