I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
