apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
