gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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