When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
