don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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