FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize