There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is wine microwaveable?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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