Have you finally orgasmed yet?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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