I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
