I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
