It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
