Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
