guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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