my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
