i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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