Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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