Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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