the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
