You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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