Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
