So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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