it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
