Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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