my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
