I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
