I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
