I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
