TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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