I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
