I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
