You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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