Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
