So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
