i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
