he wants to bone in the snuggie
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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