literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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