Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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