I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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