I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
we made out on top of his cat.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
