so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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