dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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