its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
