I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
