What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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