you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
