There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
