I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
