After last night, I could never be a politician.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
