I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize