i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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