i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
