Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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