So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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