As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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