I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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